My Children Are Flat And I Do Not Know Why

They loved it yesterday and this morning they are horrible.

Not all of them, possibly. But at least one is snapping at another one over something that does not matter, and one of them has been lying on a sofa since eight refusing to be spoken to, and the youngest cried at about nine about a thing so small that you cannot now remember what it was.

And you have been up since seven and you are watching this and drawing a conclusion.

The conclusion is that it was not enough. Or that it was too much. Or, the version that arrives at about half past ten, that they did not actually enjoy it and were being polite, and that you have spent six weeks producing a day that was for you rather than for them.

Let me stop that now, because it is not true and because you have a whole day to get through.

They did enjoy it. They enjoyed it so completely that they spent everything they had on it, and what you are watching this morning is not a review. It is an empty tank in a person who has not yet learned that an empty tank is a normal thing to have.

An adult who feels like that says: I am shattered, I am not much use today. A nine year old cannot say that, so it comes out as being horrible to a sibling about a cup.

Gently lead those that are with young

There is a line in Isaiah about how a shepherd handles the slowest members of a flock.

He shall feed his flock like a shepherd: he shall gather the lambs with his arm, and carry them in his bosom, and shall gently lead those that are with young. (Isaiah 40:11, King James Version)

Gently lead those that are with young. It is a pace instruction. The ones that cannot move at the speed of the flock set the speed of the flock, and the shepherd adjusts to them rather than the other way round.

And notice it is two separate accommodations. The lambs get carried. The ones with young get led gently. He does not use one method for everybody; he does the thing each condition requires.

That is a description of the morning after, and it applies to two different people in your house.

You are being gently led rather than moved along, and it is written into Isaiah 40:11 that the pace is set by whoever cannot go faster. The written word makes the accommodation the shepherd's job, and the Holy Spirit is the one who applies that to a Tuesday with a flat nine year old in it.

And notice the last clause is about the ones carrying somebody else.

You are inside the phrase about those with young rather than outside it, and Isaiah 40:11 names them specifically as the ones who get led gently. Scripture puts the mother in the verse as well as the child, and the Spirit of God is the one who sets a pace for a woman who has been up since seven.

Why the day after does this to children

Let me be practical, because knowing the mechanism will stop you managing it as a mood.

Children run hotter than adults on a day like yesterday. More excitement, less regulation, no ability to pace themselves, and no concept at all that they might be spending something that has to be paid back.

So they arrive at the following morning genuinely depleted, and they have no framework for it. An adult knows what a hangover from a good time feels like and can name it. A child experiences it as the world having become annoying.

That is why it lands as irritability rather than as tiredness. Tiredness in a child under about twelve almost always presents as friction.

You are looking at friction rather than at a complaint, and a child under twelve has never once been able to say the word shattered about himself. Isaiah 40:11 has the shepherd carry the ones who cannot walk it, and the Holy Spirit is the one who reads a depleted nine year old correctly for a mother who has been reading a verdict.

You are watching a depletion rather than a verdict, and the written word puts a shepherd carrying some and slowing for others rather than expecting the flock to keep up. Isaiah 40:11 makes the adjustment his rather than theirs, and the Holy Spirit is the one who tells a mother the difference between a mood and an empty tank.

And here is the thing that will make today worse if you do it, and it is what almost everybody does.

You will try to fix it. You will suggest something nice, or ask them repeatedly what is wrong, or propose an activity, and every one of those asks a depleted child to produce something, and they cannot, and then they fail at it and feel worse and so do you.

The single worst question available this morning is: what is the matter with you.

You were never able to refill a child by asking them a question, and Scripture has the shepherd carry and slow rather than interrogate. Isaiah 40:11 gives two physical accommodations and no conversation at all, and the Spirit of God is the one who keeps a mother from making a flat morning into an inquiry.

Alongside, and no questions

So here is the assignment, and both halves matter.

Do one small ordinary thing alongside one of them, and do not ask them how they are.

Alongside, not opposite. Not a conversation and not an organized activity. Something dull that happens to have two people in it: putting things away, peeling something, walking to the end of the road, sorting a box.

And no questions about the mood. Not one, all day, if you can manage it.

You are able to be beside somebody without requiring them to produce anything, and Isaiah 40:11 has a shepherd adjust his pace rather than ask his flock what is wrong. The Holy Spirit is the one who is present in a kitchen where a mother and a nine year old are doing something dull together, and the written word makes the accommodation physical rather than verbal.

And I want to say why no questions, because it will feel like neglect and it is the opposite.

A depleted child asked what is wrong has to produce an answer, and they do not have one, and the not having one is itself distressing. So they either invent a grievance, which then has to be dealt with, or they say nothing and feel that they have failed you.

Alongside asks for nothing. It puts a person next to them who is not requiring anything, and that is the only thing that actually refills anybody.

You are giving them company rather than an examination, and the written word describes a gentle leading rather than a conversation about anybody's state. Isaiah 40:11 has the shepherd act rather than ask, and the Spirit of God is the one who is beside a child who has nothing left this morning.