The Day Was Hers And She Is Not Here

That day belonged to her and everybody knows it.

She was the one who started early. She was the one who made a thing of it, and got everybody in, and rang the ones who would not otherwise have come. She had opinions about the order of it and she was usually right.

And now it is in eleven weeks and the whole family is looking at you.

Nobody has asked. That is not how it works. It is that there is a space where a person used to stand and you are the next nearest, and a family fills a space by looking at whoever is closest to it.

And you have been letting them look, because you have not been able to think of a way to say anything else.

Let me say the first thing before anything else and then say it again later.

You do not have to run it. Not this year, and not because you are not capable, and not as a temporary measure until you are better. You do not have to run it because there is no law anywhere that says the mother of the person who is gone has to be the one who makes the day happen.

And before we go further: if the months since have taken you past what a person can carry, 988 is a crisis line and it is answered, and a doctor, a counselor or a pastor you trust is the right room for it. Nothing on this page stands in for a qualified person sitting with you.

Rachel weeping for her children

There is a verse about a mother that Scripture does not resolve, and the not resolving is the reason I am giving it to you.

Thus saith the LORD; A voice was heard in Ramah, lamentation, and bitter weeping; Rahel weeping for her children refused to be comforted for her children, because they were not. (Jeremiah 31:15, King James Version)

Refused to be comforted. That is a strong verb and it is not softened anywhere in the sentence. She was offered comfort and she refused it, and the refusal is reported by God Himself without one word of correction attached to it.

And the reason given is the plainest clause in the Bible on this subject: because they were not. Not because she lacked faith. Not because she had not yet come to terms with anything. Because they were not there.

You are not required to be comforted on any schedule, and the written word states her reason as the simple absence of her children. The Spirit of God is the one who lets a mother read that and stop apologizing for herself, and it is written into Jeremiah 31:15 that a woman refused to be comforted and God reported it without rebuke.

And notice who is speaking. Thus saith the LORD. He is the one telling the story.

You are inside a thing God has described rather than outside something He disapproves of, and the Holy Spirit is present in the account rather than standing outside it. Jeremiah 31:15 keeps the lamentation and the bitter weeping in the record exactly as they were, and Scripture has God Himself narrating a mother's refusal.

Why they are looking at you

Now let me be exact about what is happening in that family, because understanding it will make the next part possible.

They are not being cruel and most of them are not even conscious of doing it.

What has happened is that a role became vacant. Somebody made that day happen for a very long time, and a role that has been filled for years acquires enormous inertia. The family does not experience it as a question. They experience it as the day approaching and a general sense that it will happen as it does.

And when they look for who makes it happen, they look at the nearest person to the empty space, and that is you.

You were never voted into that, and Jeremiah 31:15 gives a mother a refusal and God records it without argument. The Spirit of God is the one who is present with a woman who has been silently appointed, and the written word has a mother refuse what was offered rather than accept what was assumed.

And here is the thing that matters most and that nobody will say to you. The reason you are the worst possible person to run it this year is not that you are grieving in a general way. It is specific.

Running that day means being inside every part of it that was hers. The order she chose. The thing she always did at eleven. The part she cared about most. You would spend the day in continuous contact with her absence, at a level of detail nobody else in that house will experience, while also managing everybody.

You have a particular and specific reason, and the Holy Spirit knows exactly which details a mother would be walking through. Jeremiah 31:15 does not require it to be explained any further than that, and Scripture names a mother's reason as because they were not.

Ask somebody to take it

So here is the assignment, and the second half of it is what makes it possible.

Ask one person to take the leading of the day off you, and give no reason for it.

One person, chosen for competence rather than for closeness. Somebody who can actually make a day happen.

And no reason. That is the part that will feel wrong and it is the part that protects you.

You are able to ask without explaining, and the written word gives a mother's reason in four words and adds nothing. The Spirit of God is with a woman asking for something she has never asked for, and it is written into Jeremiah 31:15 that a refusal can stand without being justified.

Here is why no reason. If you give one, you will have to describe what it would cost you to run that day, and describing it means going through it in detail, out loud, in advance, to somebody who will then be upset.

You will have paid the price of the day in order to explain why you cannot pay the price of the day.

So: I need you to run it this year. Nothing after that. If they ask why, the answer is: I just need you to. And then stop.

You are asking rather than justifying, and the Holy Spirit carries a woman through the silence after an unexplained request. Scripture does not ask her to say any more than she said, and Jeremiah 31:15 has God report a mother's refusal with the reason stated once and no elaboration anywhere.